frustrated but stayin strong!

today was very hard! i dont even know how to describe how i feel about it! i woke up around 10:30 and nicholas had breakfast ready so i could eat and take my antibiotic. i didnt want to get up. i think the antibiotic im taking for that test is making me really tired! so i ate bfast and then went back to sleep on the couch with molly till about 12:00. oh yea...i had a small breakdown before going back to sleep and molly was so sweet...she licked my tears away! she's so perfect! my husband is too! he has been so strong for me!

my parents got here about 1:00pm and drove us to the kirklin clinic for my test. we got there on time at 2pm and they took me back pretty quickly. although i had to wait forever once i got back there. i started out in a waiting room with 2 women who honestly talked my ears off!! one of them was 44 years old, has a 13 year old son, and for some reason now wants another baby. what i didnt inform her of is that i take care of sick babies and most we see from women that age do not turn out so well. she got a good report, so i guess i might be seeing her in the next year or so in the rnicu. the other lady was older as well. she has 4 older children not by her current husband, so she wants a baby with him now. i wanted to tell her the same thing.

what i didnt tell them is that i am almost 24 years old, have had one major surgery which has already reduced my chances of having kids by 50%, and i have always wanted kids, and now i dont know if it is going to be physically possible to do it on our own. i guess i am being way too hard on myself, and i guess i might be a lil bit jealous of others. its an extremely hard situation to be in! i just love babies SOOO much! i was quite nervous and emotional today. after they had both gone back i was left sitting there by myself for quite some time. i did a lot of praying and reflecting! i believe God's word when He tells us that if we delight ourselves in Him, He will give us the desires of our heart!! enough about the waiting room...

i went back for the test and they said that once i was prepped nicholas could come back. i had to answer lots of questions and here the not so fun risks of the test...the worst being i could get a pulmonary embolus (if you dont know...that can kill you), so if i got short of breath to let them know. the doctors and nurse that were there were very nice and comforting. they started what they had to do which was extremely unpleasant feeling! i was terribly uncomforable and began to cry. the nurse tried to comfort me, but for some reason i just got worse. the typical way they normally do the test was not working, so they tried a different catheter. i wont go into to many details but they are supposed to insert a catheter and shoot dye into my uterus to see where all it flows (to see whats open). the problem was that they could not even get the catheter in far enough to shoot the dye in. after being tortured and somewhat embarrassed i was having a total come apart. they did let nicholas come in earlier than they had planned to hold my hand.

needless to say the test was not done after all that waiting and torture. i have made an appointment with my doctor for march 20th to talk to him about what to do. they can give me some medicine to help with the procedure, but i just dont know if i am going to be ready anytime soon to go through it all again. the anticipation was horrible! we may end up waiting a while since we are not going to be ready to have kids anytime soon. we also have enough going on in our lives right now...i just want to enjoy being happy and being newlyweds right now and not worry about what could be wrong.

everyone knows that i am a FIRM believer that everything happens for a reason! there's a reason i didnt get any answers today! God is taking care of me and nicholas in a very special way! i feel like we are only stronger because of what we've been through. i love my life and everything about it. all of this is just a little hard to understand sometimes.

i serve and incredible GOD!! He has blessed me with the most amazing husband, parents, sister and brother in law, grandmother, cousins, aunts and uncles and incredible friends who i know are continually praying for us! my parents have been here through it all and have been great! my sister is my number one prayer warrior and number one chearleader! she has been right by my side in spirit every step of the way.

its wierd because my sister and my dad have both told me that they believe the reason they couldnt do it today is because God is still working and healing my left fallopian tube. maybe it just isnt ready to be disturbed. i totally believe that it's possible!

we will see where the Lord leads in the next few months! in the meantime...im going to quit feeling sorry for myself and for get about it all! i am going to be excited about moving into our new house and start packing up the one we are in now!

i believe with all of my heart that God has an incredible plan for our lives and He will continue to give us the strength and peace we need to carry on! i am sooooo blessed!